christmas in july;

[starkasm]

[Broadway's right, you know. Not that he'd ever admit it, but when it comes to New York-- well. It's a helluva town. He's lived (to varying definitions of the word 'lived') here most of his life. Despite all the bullshit, the garbage (he firmly maintains he's never actually seen a garbage truck doing its job-- ever) and the way the East river still stinks, it's home. No place like it.

He and Rogers have that much in common. Maybe that was his old man's doing, because he always talked about how much Steve loved New York. Tony used to listen to stories and think about having something in common with a hero, and now-- well. Now whenever his thoughts steer in the direction of stars and spangles, he kind of just wants to punch its anachronistic embodiment in the teeth.

(That's his default state these days. 'I Want To Punch Steve Rogers'. He should probably see someone about that. If he were a) a healthy, well-adjusted person or b) less stubborn he probably actually would. But alcohol exists, so. Bully for psychology.)

Hell's Kitchen wasn't even on his radar until Matt. Who is lucky, by the way, that Tony's sense of disbelief is capable enough of being suspended to allow for blind lawyer in a devil costume as a viable attempt at vigilantism and not some latent BDSM fetish that probably needed clinical examination. And Tony, who can never resist a challenge or a pretty face, sort of inserted himself into Matt's milieu.

Which, by the way, is the most ridiculously bullshit place he's ever been - ever. Crazy fucking ninjas, weird dead girlfriends, Matt and his mile-high martyr complex and everything else. He takes it in stride. It's nice to think about someone else's problems.

Tonight's problems are bringing the mood down a little. Tony'd intended to stop by with a nice bottle of some expensive whiskey he's never bothered to learn how to pronounce and the intention of suggesting something adventurous for the evening's exploits, but instead-- well.

(Tony only has one real scar of any particular note. Just one. Matt has dozens. Proof positive, in fact, that he's a fucking idiot, but Tony doesn't like to throw stones in glass houses anymore.)

The bottle has been left on Matt's countertop, and Tony is dabbing rather inelegantly at the gash across his shoulder. His mouth is tugged down into a frown at one side.]

I happen to have the number of an amazing domme who'll beat you up without leaving any permanent damage, you know.

[Look, humour. He jokes. It's a joke. Jesus.]

Comments

[starkasm]

I do mean that.

[He surprises himself by answering honestly. That usually isn't his tact when it comes to the people he's sleeping with. He covers up the vague discomfiting squirm that causes in the pit of his stomach by tossing off a generous mouthful of that very excellent whiskey before refilling the glass and returning to Matt's side. He holds out the tumbler and as Matt takes it--]

I've been that guy. Who can't sleep, who can't eat, who puts-- the whole of himself into something because he feels fucked up and guilty. I've done it. You really, really don't want to know how many times it almost killed me. And call me a narcissist, I guess, but I see you doing the same thing and I don't really want the history lesson.

[murdocksboy]

[ He isn't expecting that kind of raw honesty, although he has to admit that he deserves the lecture. It's not fair to Tony, having to put up with Matt's struggle to restructure his life. And that adds another page to Matt's Book of Guilt. ]

It's not like that, Tony.

[ He takes a sip from his glass and closes his eyes while he enjoys the heat as it goes down. Since meeting Tony Stark, the quality of the alcohol in his life has greatly improved. ]

I'm trying. I don't go out looking for trouble, I try to put my energy into practicing law like I'm supposed to. But it's hard, knowing everything that's going on out there, and just- just sitting here doing nothing. Wasting my abilities. Betraying the people who believed in me. And yet...if I put the mask back on, then I'm betraying the people who believe in me now.

[starkasm]

[He crosses his ankles, leans back against the couch. He wants to sprawl, take up as much space as he can and possibly also put his arm around Matt's shoulders, but he restrains himself. For once.]

Okay, so-- forget those people. What do you want?

[murdocksboy]

[ What Matt wants is to curl up with his head on Tony's thigh and just forget about what happened. Or get very drunk and pass out, and enjoy the punishment of a really intense hangover in the morning.

Instead, he sighs and sips slowly at the whiskey, buying himself time before he has to give an answer. ]

I want the city to be a place people can go about their lives without fear. I want people who think they haven't got a shot at justice to find it. I want the crime lords and the madmen who think that Hell's Kitchen is ripe for corruption and control to learn just how wrong they are.

[ Realizing that his grip on the glass has tightened as he's been speaking, that the empty hand at his side is clenched into a fist, he sets the drink aside and forces himself to slowly exhale and relax. ]

I want to do what's right.

[starkasm]

[He rubs his thumb along the rim of the glass.]

Matt--

[No, hold on, he needs to sigh dramatically for good measure.]

Sometimes what's right isn't what's good for you. You need to balance both.

[murdocksboy]

Not sure you're the one to be giving that advice.

[ There's no rancor in his tone, but come on. Who in this room has the right to talk about doing things that aren't good for them?

And yet, he has a point. Matt lets his head drop back, eyes directed unseeing toward the ceiling. ]

What if I can't be both safe and happy?

[starkasm]

[He laughs. It's a light noise, but there's bitterness there, eating away at the core of it. It's not directed at Matt.]

Oh, I am definitely not the one to be giving that advice. Consider it more... [he wiggles his fingers.] a cautionary tale.

[But oh, does Matt just look so defeated. Tony gives it a moment, and then-- leans over and kisses his forehead very gently.]

I figure that one out, I'll let you know.

[murdocksboy]

[ Matt hates hearing that bitter tinge to Tony's voice, enough so that he makes a silent decision to try harder to stay out of trouble just to not force the man into conversations like this. If he could figure out a way to help Tony fight his demons, he would. But he's not sure that he isn't a little too late.

He's also not sure his help would be at all welcome. ]

You're not the poster child for every sin, you know.

[ Okay, that kiss does put a crack in his self-pity, and Matt smiles up at him. ]

I take it back. Maybe I can be safe and happy at the same time.

[starkasm]

[The scandal.]

I'm not? Tell that to the Times.

[He feigns absolute surprise at hearing it. Tony Stark: prodigal son is a narrative that's been pushed now for more of his life than what came before. You learn to live with it. Tony shrugs, an easy lift of his shoulder. The fight in Siberia was months ago, but sometimes it still aches like it was yesterday. He doesn't want to pull that card on Matt, the I'm older than you, and I feel every single hit I've ever taken, and I don't want that for you too. Honestly, it's probably already too late.]

I like to think you could be.

[murdocksboy]

Maybe I should point Karen in your direction. I bet she'd jump at a chance to do an op-ed on Tony Stark.

[ She'd be brutally honest, but there'd be less sensationalism than the average article on really any of the Avengers.

Matt lets himself lean a little to one side, resting shoulder to shoulder. ]

There's always going to be a trade-off, though. Moments like this, in exchange for moments like... [ He gestures at the bandage. ] ...this.